


Boxed In

by AnonEhouse



Category: Iron Man (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Crack Treated Seriously, Dick Jokes, Fluff and Crack, Humor, M/M, No Sex, Pranks and Practical Jokes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-19
Updated: 2014-01-19
Packaged: 2018-01-09 07:15:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,580
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1143081
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnonEhouse/pseuds/AnonEhouse
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tony likes to see Steve's smile. Turns out Steve's sense of humor isn't that far off from Tony's admittedly less than mature version.</p><p>Tony comes up with a brilliant idea - which doesn't quite work out as planned.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Boxed In

(If you are reading this on any PAY site this is a STOLEN WORK, the author has NOT Given Permission for it to be here. If you're paying to read it, you're being cheated too because you can read it on Archiveofourown for FREE.)

One of the things Tony loved best about Steve was his willingness to try new things. Jalapeño ice cream, holograms, and artist quality printers made him smile and Tony had discovered he wanted to see that smile more often. 

As it turned out, once he felt like he belonged and relaxed around the Tower, Steve had the sense of humor of the young, rough and tumble raised, man he was. He loved the Three Stooges and The Simpsons. He went along with the costuming for the midnight showing of the Rocky Horror Show - Tony in high heels and fishnets didn't phase him at all. He didn't even mind when Tony Rickrolled him six times in the same day, culminating with the Muppets' Beaker giving a heartfelt rendition.

So Tony had come up with a brilliant plan, sure to make Steve fall over laughing. The moment it struck him, he just had to do it. He needed a box, preferably one that hadn't contained anything toxic, which let out most of his workshop. He went up to the communal floor. "Perfect!" He grabbed the just-delivered bakery box containing the deep dish Double Dutch apple pie meant for Steve's snack after his daily marathon, and took it back to the shop to prepare the joke.

The pie was huge, and so of course was the box. He took the pie out and laid it down on a table while he cut a hole in the back of the box. He began singing, "Hey, Steve. I got somethin' real important to give you." He unzipped and loaded his surprise into the box. "A gift real speciaaal, so take off the top. Take a look inside, it's my dick in a box."

Tony did a few dance steps. The box fell off. "Huh. That didn't happen to Justin Timberlake." He considered making a foam dick-collar, but decided that would look stupid. He looked at the pie. "Hmm." It had been baked in a heavy aluminum pan. "Hmm..." He picked up the pie, measured and cut through the pan, making _very_ sure the edges of the hole were crimped smoothly under all the way around, and then scooped out a couple spoonfuls of pie and eased in, just a bit. The pie was still slightly warm, and smooth and slippery, with the interesting texture of apple, and a faint tingle, that was probably the cinnamon.

"Oh. Hey. Food porn, that's what I've been missing! Niccce." It took some experimenting, but Tony was a trial and error sort of guy, so he was cool with that. Time went by pleasantly for a few minutes, but Tony wanted to make sure he got the pie back in place before Steve's return, so he finished his arrangements by gluing the pie pan down inside the box, and took the elevator back to the communal floor. Luckily Clint and Natasha were doing some hush-hush stuff for Fury, and Bruce was busy in his lab, reinventing gravity or something, while Thor had faffed off back to dear old Asgard, so there was no one to see Tony get off the elevator doing a little careful dance step. "Not gonna get you a diamond ring. That sort of gift don't mean anything. Not gonna get you a fancy car. Steve, ya gotta know you're my shining star!" Dance, twirl, end up leaning against the kitchen island with the box at a comfortable level on a stool in front of him. "It's my dick in a box. My dick in a box, Steve. It's my dick in a box. Ooh, my dick in a box, Cap!"

Five minutes later, Tony was squirming. "I may have miscalculated." Thinking about Steve and thinking about the look he'd have on his face when he opened the box and lifted out the pie... yeah. Tony hoped the crust was strong. He checked. Ok, the pie didn't look too weird. A little bumpy, but eh, it's got that 'loving hands at home' look. Steve appreciated that sort of thing.

Ten minutes later, Tony had checked the weather and traffic and police reports via Jarvis. Nothing out of the ordinary. Steve should be here already. 

Seven and a half minutes after that, the elevator opened, and Steve stepped out. He had a few leaves in his hair, and fading scratches on his arms.

"Tell me you didn't," Tony said.

Steve sighed. "That cat. This is the third time I've got him down from a tree. But, you know, the girl cries." Steve shrugged.

"And then she takes video and shares it on Youtube. Video of your tree climbing ass." 

Steve rolled his eyes. "People got nothing better to do. Hey, pie!" He grabbed the box and tugged.

Tony had definitely miscalculated. He yelped and clutched at the box. "NOOO. Just. Open it."

"Tony?" Steve eyed the pie box suspiciously. "It's not going to shock me?"

"I... I hope not."

"Or explode?"

"I... really, really hope not." Tony wriggled the box slightly. "OW." His eyes crossed and he backed up, turning away from Steve. "You know, on second thought, you don't want this pie. It's been sitting around, unrefrigerated, it's probably gone bad. It'll make you sick."

"I don't get sick. And sure not from pie. Tony?" Steve grabbed Tony's shoulders and squeezed gently. "What's wrong?"

"It's my dick." Tony closed his eyes.

"Your dick?" Steve sounded bemused. "Oh. Don't they have medicine for that these days?"

Tony opened his eyes to glare at Steve. "I do NOT have an STI! I just... have... my dick in a box."

"Your dick in a box." Steve looked at the pie box, and carefully lifted the lid. Tony looked down. The pie was a total wreck. The head of Tony's dick had broken through the crust, but it wasn't its usual cheerful, flushed with eagerness, self. It was... it looked weird. Tony couldn't describe it. Bumpy, and swollen, but not in the good way. And, now that the air was hitting it, the 'tingle' was an itch. Not a fun itch.

"What did you do to yourself, Tony?" Steve began picking chunks of pie off Tony's dick and dumping them on the countertop until most of the pie was gone, but the aluminum pan remained, dug into the swollen flesh and holding the box tight against Tony's belly. "Geez, what a mess. Can you get it off?"

Tony gave a cautious tug and yelped. "No. Oh God, this is going to be like the story of the cat who got his head stuck in the garbage disposer."

"Calm down." Steve tore the cardboard box away, leaving only the pie pan. "We'll get it off."

"Sure. They saved the cat."

"That's fine." Steve took Tony's arm and began guiding him to the elevator. "How did they do that?"

"Well, after they greased his head in Crisco, and the firemen dismantled the disposer, they took him to the vet and sedated him before they sawed it off. The disposer, not his head. There was a chance of brain damage." Tony kept his eyes on his dick. "Nooo, I need my other brain."

"You'll be fine." Steve said, "Jarvis, you heard?"

"Indeed. Dummy and You are awaiting your arrival." The elevator moved down smoothly. Steve had his arm around Tony's shoulders. Tony was still staring at his dick.

"Steve."

"Yeah, Tony?"

"I'm glad you're here. There are times a man doesn't want to be alone."

"Yeah, Tony." And Steve smiled. Just a little.

The elevator doors opened on the workshop. Dummy was waving a tub of silicone lubricant and You had a pair of tin snips. Tony yelped and tried to step back into the elevator. Steve grabbed him by the collar. "Come on, Tony, we need to get that off of you right away."

"Bruce! Bruce is a doctor!"

"Uh huh." Steve pushed Tony back against a workshop table. "Jarvis, call Dr. Banner please, and ask him to come up here. Looks like an allergic reaction. Good thing you didn't eat any of the pie."

"Oh, sure, this is so much better."

Steve took the tin snips from You. "Better than being unable to breathe, yeah. Hold still."

"WAIT, wait! The cat got sedated!"

Steve rolled his eyes. You chirped and brought Steve a bottle of Scotch. He opened it and handed it to Tony. "Here, knock yourself out."

After several gulps, Tony nodded. "All right, go for it. Be gentle, it's a collector's item."

"Yeah, mint and in the box," Steve said as he gently coated Tony's dick with silicone and eased the pie plate forward a fraction of an inch, trying to get room to insert the tin snips without cutting Tony off in his prime.

"Don't make me laugh."

"Ok, now think about..."

"Fury in a pink sparkly wig."

"Yeah."

Tony nodded. "Got it."

Steve worked quickly. The aluminum pie plate didn't stand a chance. _Snip. Snip. Snip. Clatter_ as the plate fell to the floor.

Tony looked down at his poor abused, apple pie and silicone- coated, dick. "Kiss it and make it better?"

The elevator door had opened just in time for Bruce to overhear that. He said, "Damn, I owe Natasha fifty bucks."

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by this prompt:  
> [ Gen: Stuck](http://avengerkink.livejournal.com/17613.html?thread=41594573#t41594573)
> 
> Okay, this is going to sound weird but have an Avenger get his penis stuck in a some sort of fruit like an Apple pie or a cantaloupe. 
> 
> That's it. Make it funny.


End file.
